All in good time...

It has been over 5 years since I have written a word for the world to view. Many of you know the old blog, which is still there, but no longer valid for who I am at this moment. See... I have changed to a degree and I am trying to get my feet back under me. 

I just turned 53 years old, my hair has an imbalance of white and black, indicating I should be wiser, but it isn't how I feel. The opposite seems to take root in my core and whisper words of insecurity and lies about my worth. In addition to not writing, there has been a gap in my artistic endeavors and my hands seem to have forgotten how to hold a paintbrush. I have been feeling a little lost these past five years. 

As I have stumbled around blindly behind my self-imposed veiled eyes, I have taken some steps to set a course for new discoveries about myself. I returned to college, finished my bachelor's degree, and I am only 3 classes away from having my master's degree. It has been a journey rooted in curiosity and a desire to make the world a little better. I still have to find the confidence for which I am searching to obtain a job and return to the working world in very uncertain times. The past five years have been scary and full of self-doubt. 

I think that is the thing that holds us back, that unrelenting self-doubting inner critic that knows our weak spots and aims for the heart and mind. I have dealt with that little jerk my whole life and try as I might, I can never evict him from my soul. The only choice I seem to have is unrelenting self-acceptance that the little jerk in an ingrained part of who I am, while I lovingly apply duct tape across his mouth in an exercise of ultimate control. I don't know who will win the wrestling match in the end, but I am giving it my all to silence the voice that screams, "you are too old," or "you don't know what you are doing." 

I told you he was a jerk!

But I digress... I have decided this space is going to be for me and about me. As some of you know, my other blog explored my life with my family, talked about my art, and was a mish-mosh of anything and everything. It was fun, but it isn't what I need or want to share at this moment. Funny enough, I am still trying to figure out what it is I want to say. 

The thoughts and feelings are there, just under the surface, ready to come rolling out at the right moment. I am just out of practice and I am trying to be patient with myself. I am trying to ease back into the things I love and need in my life, one of which is writing. There is something therapeutic about taking a fleeting thought or emotion and building a story around it in the hopes it will resonate with another human being. If I were to put my finger on a single identifier regarding what I miss... it would be the connection I had with you, my dear readers. I miss the reverberation of our shared experience. 

I plan on transferring some of the more important stories that shape who I am from the old blog. There may be a few new readers joining us and I don't want them to miss out on the fun of being me! Can't have them poking around wondering how in the world I came to be who I am without some context. Those stories shaped me and are part of the story of why and how I create my art. 

Yes, don't worry, there will be some art, all in good time. I would never mislead you with a title that promises such, without delivering.  You should know me better than that. The problem at the moment is I am not "feeling" the art inside me. I have been disconnected by grief from the part of me that creates from the place of "flow." 

I need to find that spot I used to know, even though it will look vastly different from my memories of it. The place where my thoughts and emotions were in sync with my voice and my art reflected the meaning behind the message I wanted to share with you. Right now, I am searching for that spot or maybe one simlar that will allow me to get back in sync with the canvas that sits in front of me mockingly. I hope you will be patient as I wander around in the meantime. 

I have to believe it will come back... all in good time.