Boundaries

In case you missed it, I am going through a growth spurt and discovering there are a few things in my life I need to reexamine. Boundaries are some of those things.

What are my boundaries with different people and relationships? How do I decide to set a boundary? Is the boundary negotiable? What happens when a boundary is crossed? Are my boundaries fair to myself and my relationships?

I am discovering I have more unanswered questions about the topic than I have answers. So, I picked up another book by Faith Harper, PhD to supplement the work I am doing with my amazing therapist. It has been helpful in a couple of ways.

First, boundaries are not bad. There are a fucking dozen reasons why I have them in my life and they are designed specifically to prevent additional emotional abuse. I have a right to feel safe in my own skin. Period. It is not up for negotiations.

Second, boundaries when set at the right level, under the right circumstances, with the right people can enhance communication and help you get your needs met. This of course, is not always true in every case because the other person still has free will and can decide to ignore those boundaries.

Third, when boundaries are consistently and constantly violated, there is a problem and I have the right to address the problem and decide what the next step is going to be to make myself whole.

I have a friend who refers to me as the "Boundary Queen." I think her meaning is that when I set a boundary, I hold the line on that boundary. What I am discovering is that is only true for certain people. In other cases, I am a damn door mat for the sake of security or for the sake of keeping the peace. Those are the boundaries I need to reinforce because those are the ones creating a disruption in my life. I have to go through my boundaries and decide if they are still valid and if I need to change them or create new ones.

All of this is scary as hell for me, because I thought I finally had my shit together. The reality is I have convinced myself to look the other way and have been self-sacrificing for too long. I don't have my shit together at all and that is what I need to change.

Not the external factors of my life, because no matter what I do I will still be me.

Nope, I have to start digging through the stockpile of things I have put off dealing with or have ignored completely if I am going to change the trajectory of my life. This all means getting back to the root of who I am and doing the work that helps me recognize myself again.

It means stating what I want, working for it and holding myself accountable for doing the work that will get me there.

It means sharing what I want with others and asking them to hold me accountable when they see me diverting my course.

It means putting myself first for a change and practicing self-care.

In a way, those three things are internal self-imposed boundaries. The reason I need them is because I stomp on my own boundaries ALL the damn time, which is a form of self sabotage that gets me back to square one.

Boundaries are necessary for my growth, because they create a little space between myself and others that allows new roots to grow.