I Am What I Am...
Cue the plug for all the "Unfuck Yourself" books! No, seriously, those books are EXCELLENT!
My friend laughed, and said, "Yeah, we all are, that is what makes us so good at what we do! We all just have to embrace that fucked upness." It was as if that validation erased years of weight off my shoulders. Hearing someone I deeply admire, who works her ass off helping other people get their shit together, was giving me permission to be OK with having those flaws I deemed completely negating of my abilities.
I decided to go for a degree in psychology in order to work within an organizational structure to bring about changes that would reflect some greater good in society, primarily focused on private schools. Social justice issues impacting everyone need to be brought to the attention of those in elite positions so they can change the trajectory of the "isms" for future generations.
Yes, yes I did sell myself with that last paragraph. It is my go to reasoning for entering I/O psychology. I convinced myself I could get a position as a diversity, inclusion, and equity director and really roll my sleeves up and help at least one private school "wake up." Yeah... that does not seem to be happening.
The last 18 hours have provided my own wake up call, thanks to a good friend who has had unwavering faith in what I am supposed to be when I grow up. She has for years hinted, suggested, brought up and flat out asked or said, "Have you thought about social work?" or "You need to go into social work," or "You are a social worker!"
Last night while having a conversation with her, I pinpointed the reasoning behind my adamant reluctance and refusal. I have never felt good enough, smart enough or well-adjusted enough to consider I might have something to offer other people. Basically, I said, "I am too fucked up!"
Yes, yes I did sell myself with that last paragraph. It is my go to reasoning for entering I/O psychology. I convinced myself I could get a position as a diversity, inclusion, and equity director and really roll my sleeves up and help at least one private school "wake up." Yeah... that does not seem to be happening.
The last 18 hours have provided my own wake up call, thanks to a good friend who has had unwavering faith in what I am supposed to be when I grow up. She has for years hinted, suggested, brought up and flat out asked or said, "Have you thought about social work?" or "You need to go into social work," or "You are a social worker!"
Last night while having a conversation with her, I pinpointed the reasoning behind my adamant reluctance and refusal. I have never felt good enough, smart enough or well-adjusted enough to consider I might have something to offer other people. Basically, I said, "I am too fucked up!"
My friend laughed, and said, "Yeah, we all are, that is what makes us so good at what we do! We all just have to embrace that fucked upness." It was as if that validation erased years of weight off my shoulders. Hearing someone I deeply admire, who works her ass off helping other people get their shit together, was giving me permission to be OK with having those flaws I deemed completely negating of my abilities.
Today, I during my therapy session, I brought up the conversation and relayed the conversation and my insights about "being too fucked up." The first words out of her mouth were, "Oh, come on!" Then she cracked up and agreed wholeheartedly with my friend. She revealed her own struggles with those thoughts and confirmed that is what draws her to the work and that is what makes her good at what she does. Again, pure validation. My therapist asked more probing questions and I am now on the path of figuring out how I can convert the work I have done so far into a degree in counseling.
It may take me a couple of years to get it done, because there are a ton of classes I will need to take. I also want to go back to work sooner verses later. But... I am at my core a social worker.
Typing that sentence is freeing. It is also maddening, because it means my friend has been RIGHT for the past 7 years! I love her though. Truly, it is her friendship and faith in me that provides that glimmer of hope that I may not be as bad as I think I am. She swears social workers "find their own."
I called my friend today to let her know my therapist validated and agrees with her completely. I admitted in writing I am a damn social worker! She of course is doing the "I was right" happy dance today. I am encouraging her to take that victory lap. She has fucking earned it!
No doubt I will be riddled with self-doubt and question this decision a million times between now and seeing my first client. I am still who I am when it comes to all those damn insecurities, but... I won't allow them to prevent me from being the other things I am. Added to that determination is the undisputed fact I am surrounded, and I mean surrounded, by people who care for me and only want me to be the best version of myself I can be. She is one of them and I am damn lucky and grateful to have her in my life to prove me wrong.
I am what I am... but I am also destined to be more by realizing WHO I am at the very core of my being and embracing it.
I am what I am... but I am also destined to be more by realizing WHO I am at the very core of my being and embracing it.
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