Honesty

Hello my sweets,

Been crazy around this house as of late, but then again what is new? Right?

I have changed some these past few weeks and months. I am finding, to my dismay that I am just not as willing to devote time for things and people, to my own detriment. Mostly to people....

Yet, maybe this new me, is a result of all I am going through with my jaw, and dealing with resurfacing anger. I look back and see how much love, energy, time and money I spent trying to get my own family to accept and care for me as I did them.

It was a waste. Nothing came of any of it, except disappointment, sorrow, pain, abandonment.

I can only take comfort in the fact that what should have killed me and did not, made me stronger. I never really looked at that from the eyes of another, until recently.

I was thinking about a very, very good friend. We hang out have coffee, bitch about life and the stupid people we encounter, support each other, and just care about what is going on in the other person's life. "She is good people," as my dad would say.

She makes time for me, even when she does not have the time to make. Ditto for me, for her, and the give and take is balanced. There are fundamental beliefs each of us hold to be self evident, and those beliefs are polar opposites. Yet, we are able to see each other from a nonjudgmental eye, and hold respect for who is before us.... good, bad... or indifferent.

It is all relative.

I know my buddy respects me, even when she does not agree with me. I have the same regard for her.

However, I was very surprised to hear how she really feels about me, once when we had dinner at her house. I was floored, completely without words, and moved nearly to tears.

The reason she likes me so much is, "because when no one else was nice to me, you were. The people I am supposed to be the most like, would not give me the time of day. You gave me your full attention, and never judged me. The fact that you are so full of love, when you have every reason, and every right to be full of hate, revenge and anger, is amazing to me."

Her husband, had never really heard the full story of how I was gay bashed by my own brother and his biker buddies. He had tears in his eyes, when he heard it from me.

The honesty of how she felt about me, was overwhelming in a good way. It was inspired by several bottles of wine, but it was there. No inhibitions, no worries, no editing....

All I could muster was a weak, "Thank you."

The events of that night, have me thinking about honesty, friendship loyalty, and what it means in my life. I can say that not everyone in my life shows the kindness my friend does on a daily basis.

When you are my friend, you are my friend, and I will show up for you. I don't expect a full reciprocation, but I do expect at the minimum a bit of respect, compassion, but more than anything else, honesty.

If I ask you a pointedly direct question, and you hedge the answer, with a rationalization, or cover the answer with a shade of distraction, you are not being honest with me. I would rather hear my friends say, "It is not something I feel I can discuss with you," than to mislead me, lie to me, or hide the truth from me.

The dishonesty will hurt me more, than anything you can say to me. The dishonesty you cover up with the reasons, and rationals for doing so, will come out at some point. I will not trust you, and I will not be willing to listen to your own spin of bullshit, as you bellyache your fate.

I have been the holder of some really big secrets. I know things I do not want to know. I have seen things, I never wanted to see. I have heard things, which needed to be said, but would have been better said to a priest.

I have knowledge which could have been used as a weapon, when I was hurt the first time, no matter how slight. I have these things with me, and they have become the fabric of what makes me, even when those things are not mine to weave. I absorb them into myself, and keep them safe, preventing injury to the innocent as much as possible.

I am also human. When someone trusts me, with reason, about the big things in their lives, affairs, abortions, cheating people, lying to those around them... and then cannot show the same trust with their every day life... it cuts me.

See, I believe you only share the big things with your closest friends, the people you can count on day in and day out. When the big things are shared with me, I look at it as coming from a friend, and I cherish my friends. I begin to open the doors in my own heart to that person, and I begin to care about them as one within my inner circle.

To be cut out of someones life, without explanation, or demoted to a "lesser" level of friendship without cause or justification, under the guise of excuses.... to be avoided, discounted, dismissed, and ignored so suddenly that I am left with a sense of complete and total dumbfounding bewilderment... hurts.

When it happens over and over... it pecks and peels at my soul like a scab that will not heal, it is my own fault. I accept the responsibility for my emotions, and realize it is indeed my own fault, and that I have no one to blame but myself.

I give too much.

I care too much.

I want to believe you.... too much.

The interesting thing is that I fully see the role I play in some people's lives.

To some, I am an information mule, to be used from time to time, with only a minor attempt at a real friendship.

To others, I am the confessional, a place to bear their soul so they feel better about what it is they have done, but there is no interest to take the friendship outside the confessional booth.

Yet, for others I am a novelty... the "married" lesbian raising a kid, who they love to hang out with from time to time... only not when they have "proper" company.

To some, I am a blogger, who they know they can count on to post something for them to get votes in a contest, but who never read anything I actually write. They have no interest in answering the phone when I call them up and never return my calls.

To others, I am nothing more than someone they can vent to, on twitter or yahoo. Yet, they never care to listen when I am having a bad day.

There are some, who find me fascinating to flirt with, because I make them feel good for a few minutes, when they are feeling low about something in their lives, but never engage me in a conversation when they actually feel good.

I see it, from a honest place. It is what it is with each of these, and I doubt it will ever change from their side.

My choice, is to clear.... do I continue to be the wounded healer, and have the scab on my own heart picked at and peeled away on a regular basis, to bleed unnoticed by those causing the wound to reopen or do I decide to turn away from who I am at my core being?

Honestly, I don't know the answer to that right now. When I look at the definition of honesty, I have to to stop an think...

"Honesty is the value of speaking truth and creating trust in minds of others. This includes all varieties of communication, both verbal and non-verbal. Honesty implies a lack of deceit."

Maybe honesty is simply perspective. My Pops used to say, there are 3 sides to every story... my side... your side... and what actually happened. Maybe honesty just does not exist in a pure form any more.

But I have to ask, am I actually doing those around me any good, by allowing them to continue along the path of dishonesty when it comes to their interactions with me? What good will it actually do, to even discuss it, when I know I will only hear excuse after excuse and rationalization, after rationalization?

Is it even worth the effort on my part, to try and have an honest friendship with them?

How tired I am of the games, the mental hoops I have had to jump through to prove myself, the confrontations of stating why I am hurt, to only be hurt again in the same EXACT way.

How exhausting it is to spend energy trying to find out what I did wrong?

How trivial it is to hear one lament about the actions of another, when they have acted the same way, yet decided to hide it, lie about it and discard it as "does not apply to me."

How mind numbing it has become to hear one tell me, they have no more secrets... to find out they do!

How weary I am... from plucking the arrows of distrust from my heart... only to turn and face my friend, the archer again.

I am at a crossroads my dear ones.

One path leads me to a new sense of freedom, from dealing with a life that is not mine to live.

One path leads me to the risk of confronting a friend with the dishonesty bestowed, and being lied to again, with a pretense of justification.

One path keeps me on the same track I have been on, and where the scenery never changes.

One path is overgrown, because it has seen little use, from those seeking my companionship, but if I look closely enough, I can see people on the other side that are barely known to me. I can see an old, weather worn sign tacked to a tree....

"It is the path of honesty, which leads to true and endearing, lifelong friendship."

If I gently push back the branches, I see my friend waiting on the path with a large cup of coffee... and that is what I want... honest, lifelong friendships, where the heart matters, and is the matter of the heart.

Honestly... I do.