Common Sense
News Flash:
Common Sense Missing, Presumed To Be Dead!
Various witnesses firmly say they noticed Common Sense had stopped coming around but were unsure what eventually needed to be done to get others to wake up to the fact Common Sense was missing. As no-one officially reported the crime immediately it took agents some time to put the pieces together.
“We were watching the TV the other night and picked up an interesting story about some judge in Washington filing a lawsuit over a pair of pants,” says Mr. Lifeisntfair, “The first thing that came to my mind was, I wonder where Common Sense is because if Common Sense was around, this would not be happening.”
Ms. Comeinoutoftherain added, “I first noticed Common Sense was gone when I heard about the woman winning a lawsuit after she spilled hot coffee on herself. I kept wondering did she not know hot coffee would be hot. I mean, she did order coffee, so she must have known right?”
Mrs. Iamthemom stated, “It is terrible, my son was arrested for simply giving an upset friend a hug, and charged with sexual harassment. The other child said it was just a hug, but the school officials won’t listen. Where is Common Sense when you need it?”
“You know what gets me?” asked Mr. Imtiredofwarninglabels, “All the damn warning labels on everything. Come on, do you really need a label on a drill with a little picture that tells you not to put it through your eye? If Common Sense was actually visible more often, would we really need to see so many of those?”
While officials are not giving out details of Common Sense’s disappearance, today it was confirmed this comes on the heels of the disappearance of other key players in society. Not too long ago, it was determined Truth, Trust, Discretion, Responsibility, and Reason all disappeared while on a cross country tour during the country’s last election.
Chief Scandal Withmypantsdown held a press conference to openly discuss the case. “We do not think the crimes are credibly related. There have been a few sketchy reports that Truth and Responsibility have been seen within the past six months. We can’t confirm that and we are still investigating. If anyone has witnessed the whereabouts of Common Sense, we would very much like for them to call their local law enforcement agency.”
Mayor Availableforabribe, “There is no immediate need for people to panic, we the government are here for you, we urgently need to ban together and wait. I am sure Common Sense and the others will eventually find their way back. In the meantime, please consider my re-election.”
Meanwhile, there have been a few grass-root organizations gathering to raise funds to conduct an extensive search for Common Sense. The group, People for the Ethical Treatment of People released the following statement: “We at PETP are asking the people to help us search every nook and cranny in theUS to bring Common Sense home. There are people injuring themselves, making huge life decision mistakes, and in general causing harm to the image of our country worldwide, because Common Sense has disappeared.”
The Reverend Beendivorcedtentimes had this to say, “I do not think God would especially want people to put Common Sense before the bible. If we allow homosexuals to marry, the next thing you know, they will definitely want biological children and to marry those children. Then they will decide to have more than one marriage in a lifetime and marry their children’s pet hamster, goat, and Scooby-Doo Chia pet.”
The White House issued this statement: “The President is aware Common Sense is missing but feels that it is important to stay the course. If we alter our course where Common Sense is concerned, the terrorists will sense weakness and attack us on our own soil, while our entire armed forces are serving inIraq .”
British Prime Minister Wehaveourshittogether says, “We sympathize with Americans, but are not sure why they think Common Sense is missing. We have not noticed anything amiss here in theUK .”
Canada and Mexico have commenced the operation of building barriers 100 feet thick and 100 feet tall along the entire border of each respective country. The discerning report is there is a concern there will be an epidemic number of Americans fleeing the US in search of Common Sense in other countries.
Ms. Comeinoutoftherain added, “I first noticed Common Sense was gone when I heard about the woman winning a lawsuit after she spilled hot coffee on herself. I kept wondering did she not know hot coffee would be hot. I mean, she did order coffee, so she must have known right?”
Mrs. Iamthemom stated, “It is terrible, my son was arrested for simply giving an upset friend a hug, and charged with sexual harassment. The other child said it was just a hug, but the school officials won’t listen. Where is Common Sense when you need it?”
“You know what gets me?” asked Mr. Imtiredofwarninglabels, “All the damn warning labels on everything. Come on, do you really need a label on a drill with a little picture that tells you not to put it through your eye? If Common Sense was actually visible more often, would we really need to see so many of those?”
While officials are not giving out details of Common Sense’s disappearance, today it was confirmed this comes on the heels of the disappearance of other key players in society. Not too long ago, it was determined Truth, Trust, Discretion, Responsibility, and Reason all disappeared while on a cross country tour during the country’s last election.
Chief Scandal Withmypantsdown held a press conference to openly discuss the case. “We do not think the crimes are credibly related. There have been a few sketchy reports that Truth and Responsibility have been seen within the past six months. We can’t confirm that and we are still investigating. If anyone has witnessed the whereabouts of Common Sense, we would very much like for them to call their local law enforcement agency.”
Mayor Availableforabribe, “There is no immediate need for people to panic, we the government are here for you, we urgently need to ban together and wait. I am sure Common Sense and the others will eventually find their way back. In the meantime, please consider my re-election.”
Meanwhile, there have been a few grass-root organizations gathering to raise funds to conduct an extensive search for Common Sense. The group, People for the Ethical Treatment of People released the following statement: “We at PETP are asking the people to help us search every nook and cranny in the
The Reverend Beendivorcedtentimes had this to say, “I do not think God would especially want people to put Common Sense before the bible. If we allow homosexuals to marry, the next thing you know, they will definitely want biological children and to marry those children. Then they will decide to have more than one marriage in a lifetime and marry their children’s pet hamster, goat, and Scooby-Doo Chia pet.”
The White House issued this statement: “The President is aware Common Sense is missing but feels that it is important to stay the course. If we alter our course where Common Sense is concerned, the terrorists will sense weakness and attack us on our own soil, while our entire armed forces are serving in
British Prime Minister Wehaveourshittogether says, “We sympathize with Americans, but are not sure why they think Common Sense is missing. We have not noticed anything amiss here in the
“We must decisively protect our borders at all costs. We cannot tolerate uneducated workers, with low moral standards suffering from misogyny, homophobia, racism, xenophobia, and other "isms" to illegally enter our country and corrupt our common sense,” claimed one Canadian official.
“You reap what you sow, assholes,” was the reaction from a high ranking official inMexico ’s government, who requested not to be identified.
We will of course follow this story and repeat it one million and one times, over the next few days. We do this for you the people because we too are suffering from the disappearance of Common Sense.
If anyone has any pertinent information as to the exact location of Common Sense you are asked to call your local law enforcement agency.
Tune in tonight for Nancy Grace's special coverage and interview with American Apathy.
“You reap what you sow, assholes,” was the reaction from a high ranking official in
We will of course follow this story and repeat it one million and one times, over the next few days. We do this for you the people because we too are suffering from the disappearance of Common Sense.
If anyone has any pertinent information as to the exact location of Common Sense you are asked to call your local law enforcement agency.
Tune in tonight for Nancy Grace's special coverage and interview with American Apathy.
Comments
Post a Comment
Let me know what you think!